The End

The iChef Academy is dead.

Well, actually, it's never really been dead, just a jab at Sam Lau for putting me on his blackgate list. Mystery Meat Bootleg Squeegee is officially over with my trip to Sierra Leone. I'm no longer working at Astropress Screenprinting (thus the reference to the squeegee), so without further ado, here's my new blogsite: chiafrica / beautiful elephant. We'll see how long Beautiful ElephaNt lasts as the name, but this will be my web entry space for now as I approach, enter, begin and end my time in Sierra Leone.

Mystery Meat Bootleg Squeegee (MMBS) is/was kind of a sad space. I usually write during the upper ups or the lower lows, so I think I've given a pretty sad voice of my life during the past 1.3 years. It has been sad, with suffering, depressing, a struggle, and a wrestling time. It's been real raw and deep though, and I think the Psalms are real close to this past year and a half (or more). David's words are so high yet so low. I see a common pattern of: 1. Life is Horrible: God save me from the depths of death in my life, 2. God you are so beautiful and hopeful, 3. I will praise you still.

I think that's who I've been and been close to. Joy. Suffering. Faith. the Unknown. Jesus as a person close to the poor: close to people who have been placed at the margins. I find hope in Jesus considering the poor because then I know that he considers me, a person that's often so poor in spirit. Death is close. You are beautiful. I will still praise you.

Africa is exciting. Death is close to Africa. Africa is beautiful. Still will I praise God? I think I will see more of this through my trip. It doesn't seem like the greatest place for a struggling, weak in spirit dude to go to. But you know, I really think this is my life right now: A postmodern psalm.

Thanks for reading and keeping up through this space. Yall don't comment too much which is kind of a bummer, but it's O.K., I still try to write for the sake of me and you and some sort of clarity.

And to end, excerpts from Psalm 42:


7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Typhoid Pill 2

So here we go again. I just remembered that I have to take my Typhoid Pill ( number 3 out of a 4 part series ). Good thing for this blog otherwise I would have forgotten. I guess this journal and the distracting swirlings of "WEB2.0" have some sort of practical purpose. I think I try to jokingly justify my time on the web (being a nerd). I have to confess that I don't have much to justify. It's hard to be a nerd. Matt can use teaching/education for his excuse. Me? I got nothing.

I'm going to wait another 1/2 hour because I ate some snacks a little while ago.

I went to the Young Adult group at my old church tonite. I think I've got a lot of thoughts on that experience, but I need to think about it for myself before I really post anything. All in all, it was a good night, to spend with some folks and to be encouraged in a church kind of way. I miss that: being encouraged through more solid teaching. In general, it's different between the experiences of church at Chinese Indy and New Hope. They have distinct cultures. They're quite different in attitudes/approaches to life. Still, I think it's good. My thought is we need more balance in our lives. I cringe at some lacks at Chinese Indy and the same with New Hope. I am grateful for the strengths of each church.

I'll talk more about this later. ( When I say that, I usually never do come back to it, so you gotta give me some comments!)

I had a good talk with my friend SuperAmes about things and we ended up talking about church a bit. I've grown up going to church and it's always been a pretty important part of my life (whether I'll admit it or not). I think there's been postive and negative effects of my experiences. After talking about churchlife, it came really clear to me that it's important to find a home. I'm not referring to a place to live and sleep and cook. That's really important, but i'm talking about a place where you're at home. A place to rest and to be at peace. It probably starts with oneself.

It's late, I'm going to bed. 3 entries this week? Holla back if you like it!

Typhoid Pill

Shoot. I almost forgot to take my anti-Typhoid pill. I have to take these 4 pills in sequence, every other day. I also can't eat 2 hours before or 2 hours after I take it. So I'm going to wait another 30 minutes because I ate a chocolate chip cookie a little while ago.

(cookie) Doh!

So you can thank my roomate Matt for keeping me up later by the power of a fresh baked cookie and resulting in this wonderful Mystery Meat Bootleg Squeegee journal entry.

Speaking of the Mystery Meat Bootleg Squeegee, I will officially announce that I'll probably end this blog soon and start a different one in conjunction with my trip to Sierra Leone. More news will come soon, but I'm pretty sure I'll end it upon ending work next Wednesday. Since I won't be working at the Screenprinting shop (hence the Squeegee reference), it makes sense for the change.

I think I've been feeling overwhelmed with life.

I talked to Albert today and I have to admit that I came away feeling a bit confused and frustrated with my sadness and anxiety. I feel like I'm more concerned about leaving this community unmet and still needy, rather than being excited about going to Africa. It's crazy! Here I am about to embark on a new adventure I've been wanting for so long and at the heels of it, my feelings are focused on the frustrations of my current life and not the excitement and promise of something new.

Gosh, what's wrong with me!

I feel like things are still unfinished and unmet here in Oakland. I wish that I felt better leaving this place. Sam Lau asked me over the break if I'd miss here (Oakland). I said: "No, not really. But I wish I did." Micah asked a similar question the other day. "Do you feel like you're being sent off by your church?" I said: "Kind of, but not really. I feel like I was sent off better when I left San Diego for Mission Year." I think life is different now at my current church. Our strength isn't internal, but more external and work/achievement focused. I was better connected when I was in college, which is hard to expect here in Oakland (not in college anymore).

I feel sad when I think about these things. I still wonder if this is the right place for me. I wonder if I should leave for another place to start anew. Somewhere where more people know me already, somewhere where I have some close guy friends that will walk with me slowly, somewhere sunnier. If I do leave, I feel like my time in Oakland was just a big failure. I wonder if I should tell the gal I like that I like her. I wonder if it'll just be weird and I'll lose a friend. That's the last thing I need, to lose a friend. I wonder about getting my house in order: learning to be responsible, learning to love those in front of me, getting some health insurance, learning to do well with the work that's placed in front of me, being disciplined in time with Jesus: in prayer and in the word.

I'm a people pleaser. Call it what you want, but I want people to like me. I want to be affirmed and loved, and I know I'm chasing after it. I've spent my time trying to find more folks for support, hanging out, scheduling hang out time, trying to harder to be more social and available. My solution to my search for community and connection has been really external. I think I've gone about this the wrong way. I'd like to try again, but spend more time in quietness with Jesus, in prayer, and in the word. Oh how far am I from God! I go to church and do the right things but still, I struggle. I've forgotten how much you love and affirm me Jesus.

I read some of Phillipians tonite. I spent time writing in my journal. I asked for a new start. A fresh start to life in Oakland, and a deeper sense of God's hand holding me, protecting me, walking with me in the most joyous moments, and in the saddest suffering.

Time to take my pill. Good night.

MLK

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."
- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Oh Dr. King, what would you say if you were still around? Would we have had our first Black President? Would our schools be desegregated? You can call it whatever you want, but they're still segregated between the rich and poor. Poor means Black and Brown with a sprinkle of Yellow. Rich means White with a stir in of Yellow. Are we that blind?

Martin, I think you'd be sad. Sad to see how your people still struggle to get by. Sad to see that some things are the same. We care enough to clear our conscience, but not enough to hold hands with those who are suffering and hurting here and abroad. Sad to find that your life to celebrated as just another day off.

Thank you Martin, and Leroy, and Kagba, Donna, Bishop and Lady Norwood, Mrs. Powell-Avila, and Mr. Walker, and Malcolm for allowing me to find hope in the lives you('ve) live(d). Thank you for teaching me about an infinite hope that overcomes any sense of disapointment. Thank you for teaching me that Joy is in the Mo(u)rning. Thank you for allowing me to share in your suffering. Thank you for teaching me about choosing for Joy inspite of any terrible circumstance. Thank you for living lives that are excellent. Thank you for your unshakable faith in God. Thank you for showing me that Black is Beautiful.

Thank you for being my friend.

Rock Paper Scissors Mama Buzz

I went to the oakland.art.murmur with some folks last night. It was fun. I ended up running into Ben Lau there. Ben Lau? Yeah, I know, I barely remembered him too. The last time I talked to him was all the way back in high school youth group. The nice thing was he actually remembered me. So Oakland's got a bunch of DIY.collective.art.startup galleries that are trying to get things going. It's funny to me that this city is trying to grow this way (to form an artistic identity) even though it's been around 154 years. It seemed like Atlanta had a similar thing going on when I was there, but Oakland's so much more dense and developed than that city.

Come on Oaktown, it's like your little brother (7 years younger) beating you at basketball! Oakland's cool, it's just tough love folks. TL.

Ben seemed to be part of the RPS collective scene, talking about some zine stuff he's done and also the classes he's taken. When I was talking to him, I felt like I was looking back in time at myself. It seems like only a year ago when I was really interested in printing.art.creative venues in Oakland. I was doing the same thing as him: trying to figure how to lean to screenprint, taking classes, etc. I'm not sure where I'm at with that creative drive at this point.

I really liked the stuff for sale at RPS, but my favorite spot was Mama Buzz. They were showing paintings by Alison Blickle. She had 10 paintings up, all were kind of eery snapshops of modern life. They were really good. AB's really skilled at portrature: her own style was really developed: a simple, smooth, cool aesthetic of everyday portraits. My favorite two portraits, the lime and the burrito ended up being on the postcard for her show. I guess I have good taste (haha).

I feel kind of weird after seeing a bunch of art that I like. I think I feel inspired and depressed at the same time. I'm really inspired when people are really creative and good at their artmaking.creativepursuits. Seeing other people's work and progress makes me want to continue to explore my own voice in art making. However, I also get kind of depressed when I see how good people are already. I saw some awesome hand made journal and clothes at RPS and AB's paintings were really really well done. I thought to myself: yikes! I suck! These are all I've had the same ideas to produce clothing / books, but I haven't really gotten around to do it. It's weird to find out that people are already producing.creating projects that I've already thought out in my head. I've got to get my act together!

This is really good though because this year's started off really well in terms of art stuff. I feel like I've begun well with seeing good things to inspire me, and also seeing stuff that challenges me to get more obsessive with my own art work. You've got to be obsessive to be any good. I think most artists would agree.

Born into Brothels

I watched Born into Brothels tonight. What a great way to start the year. I've been looking to be inspired, and to breathe some fresh air into my emotions. I've felt couped up lately. Internally and externally. I've felt like I've wanted to go somewhere, to do something, but I really haven't figured out what and with who. It's hard to explain, but I think things have really ramped up since winter soltice. I've felt the dark creep in, and I've had to try harder each day to let go of the big D's. Disappointment. Dread. Darkness.

Born into Brothels was real good. I liked the way art became the practical springboard to change for people. Art created a venue for the photographer to give, and for the children to receive. Art allowed for different people to share and converse a common language inspite of drastic differences in class, language, upbringing and life circumstance.

I think we all can agree on beautiful things. We may find different things to be beautiful, but we can come together around beautiful things. Beautiful people, beautiful art, beautiful stories.

These stories may not be happy, and often times they may be quite painful. They may be be full of struggle, but we celebrate the process together. We stand next to each other. We know the pain first hand because we choose to be there. We choose to live on the same violent street. We choose to be with all that's there. (Not just being around when people are doing well) We have evidence of beauty through the change that we see, and through the creative process that takes place. We make friends. We try hard to give as much as we can. We allow for people to make their own choices. We value each person's ability to choose for him or herself. We learn to give up. We hope for miracles. Miracles happen and we are overjoyed by them. Poverty and pain wins, and we are deeply troubled by this reality.

We talked about the movie afterwards. I think we all came away rooting for these children, and hoping that they would be able to live lives outside of the sadness around them. Matt commented about the reality of working with people who have tough life circumstances. Whether it's inner city Oakland, the red light district of Calcutta, or a broken home in the suburbs: we can all want good things for people, but sometimes the fear and poverty is too great, and sadness continues. We've all experienced this. We've seen our friends shine. We've seen our friends trapped within sadness. I think I'd dare to say that we've seen this pain within our own selves too.

And well, it's actually been real painful. I mean, what do you say to someone who's like: yeah, everybody i'm working with is failing and sometimes i feel like my work is like that. Or, yeah, I love the youth I work with but you know what? I'm troubled because most of the students I'm teaching will be lucky to graduate. Or, I've been started hanging out with my friend William. He gets beaten up everyday and he's told by everyone that he's a loser. He stutters and he smells. But I get to tutor him. His mom invites me in to their house and I'm there on a dirty carpet going over William's grammar homework. These are some of my stories.

It's clear what is successful: material wealth, graduating, winning, getting more, being first. There are parts of life where you can't win, where you can't be in front, and it ends up being unfinished. Choosing to be with the poor, and to look into one's own poverty isn't remarkable at all. Actually, it's really painful, and humbling. Where is the blessing in the pain? Where is the hope in the suffering?

If you've really felt suffering deep down with you , with others, for the past 4 years, I think you'd kind of sit there with me and nod. It's not to say that I'm a hero, but that's been my life story after college. I've touched suffering. My own. Others. My family. Other people's families. Black people. Asian people. Mexican people. Spanish speaking refugess. Cambodian refugees. Oakland Youth. Atlanta's forgotten. Poor people in the city. Rich people who've chosen to move into the city. A friend has died. People have gotten sick. Community has been disappointing.

I am beginning to understand the significance of Jesus. His life was about being close to the pain of this world. I think his significance wasn't just about his miracles and the way he changed things. I think it was also just as important that he cried, and struggled, and felt the deep pain of people who suffer here on earth. There's very little that's heroic about being close to pain, for when we get close to it, it hurts us too. We are blessed to suffer, because through it, I think we really learn to feel. We are aware of our inadequacies and our guilt. When people suffer, we don't just throw our pocket change at them. We don't offer what's leftover from our best, but we put down whatever we are doing and we try to stand by people, knowing that we have felt similar pains. We feel empty, helpless, and needy, but we don't hide under a cloak of self sufficiency. We are honest about these things and are driven to God's grace.

JetWest SouthBlue

It was good this weekend, to see my pals from the OC. Thanks SuperAmes and WhammeeJoshua for taking me in and taking me everywhere. It was real good to be sought out and cared for.

I'll write more about how the actual trip was, but here's my thought tonite. What is this heaven that we wait and long for? It's really a place of no more pain and no more tears? I'm thinking it's where all your friends are back with you. It's easy, simple and carefree. We'll all have nothing to lose, nothing to hide, and nothing to worry about. Sometimes I feel like life is fighting against all of those things. I feel like I have so much to lose. I feel like I have so much to hide. I feel like there's so much to worry about. I've been praying more and more about this idea of living with nothing to lose. I think I got a little taste of it this weekend. I know I can be a bit over emotional, and thick with the words, but I really enjoyed being with my old buddiesies again.

Is it too much to get a bit of that sweetness here in Oakland?

Oh to live with Nothing to Lose.

Not This Time

i stayed up to finally write some thoughts down, and this is all i have. i tried, but it's too late, and i'm kind of sick.

i can say some shorts things. i dare to write about work here, but it has been harder than ever. i think that's good enough to say that i wonder about what it's become amongst such hardship. my heart is hard there: amoungst the ink, machines, and clothing. oh, help me with this one. it's made me weak. i want to be in places where we all shine beautiful for each other. we all seem to be more beautiful than this place of profit. i can only hope that my hands are used to bless, and not to destroy. i need so much mercy. oh for these bones to be strong and hopeful. oh dry bones.

that's enough for tonite. i'm getting poetically parenthetical. or just awkwardly abstract.

i'll try again tmw. put this one in the back pocket.

Two Lip

I took this pictue with my Dad's camera on the 19th. I really like tulips, and flowers in general for that matter. They're beautiful.

This weekend was packed, and it's reflected in my room looking like a hurricane. It's OK, one thing at a time. I didn't get to get done my one goal for the weekend, but there were some other things that were good that seemed to work out.

It was a packed / patch up weekend. I spent time patching up a couple friendships, playing lots of sports (basketball , soccer, and ultimate), and spending time at church and in meetings. I'm not frustrated by the way I handled the time, because these were all things I've chosen. Here are the hilights.

Charis came back for the weekend, and that was really fun to see her. We didn't get to talk all that much, but it was good to be with her again and to see that she was doing pretty well. And all in all, it was good to be home again. It's cool to see her discover life away from home. I can only hope for good experiences and lots of growth.

I spent time working through stuff with V. and L. I guess that's life. Asking for forgiveness and expressing frustrations are part of friendships. Talking about expectations and being honest about how we're feeling. It's taken a while for some of these things to play out. I know I'm kind of generalizing (rightfully so), but I wanted to record this for my own sake. I've learned that this is the stuff of community. Going through things together even if they are hard. Being real with other folks even if it hurts on both sides.

I played soccer for the first time in a while. It was kind of hard because I'm not as skilled as the other guys. Still, it was fun for me, and it's good practice ( I think ) in preparation for Sierra Leone. I still have trouble keeping up with other folks: stamina wise. I think it takes a lot more work for me to build up my stamina compared to other people. That's always been a weakness of mine.

With Thanksgiving approaching, I want to keep in mind the concepts of grattitude that I've been learning. A quote from a pastor on grattitude: "An ancient prayer ends with these words: 'One thing more I ask: give to me a grateful heart.'"

25 plus 1

who knows what this year will hold.

all i know is i got used to 25 and now it's done with. i had this sense of sadness, not about getting older, but wondering if things have changed this year. some folks get all into getting older, i don't know, i don't think it's that big of a deal, but it's really been hard for me in that i wonder if things are different from a year ago. am i closer to God, or am i too caught up in this search for identity and community? age isn't so hard, not maturing is.

in light of this, i had this realization today, and i hope that you hold me to it. i realized that i need to come closer to the realities of life. i don't need to figure out exactly who i am or what i should be doing now, but i really should come closer to the truth of my existence.

i was made to worship god. i was made to express beauty. i was made to be creative. i was made to be loved. i was made to love my God and other people intimately and deeply. i was made to be intimate with others.

i started out my early 20s in search for a good life. then there was a great stirring in my heart from different life experiences, and i committed the rest of the roaring 20s to sacrifice, service, and identifying with the poor. right now, i think something's gone wrong or needs to change because i'm busy fighting myself each day: wondering and wandering too much ... and feeling stuck in it. i feel a need to phase into something new: finding out how i mature into living a life that allows for me to live freely.

beauty.
creativity.
love.
god.
hope.
community.
intimacy.
people.
life giving service.
identifying with the poor.

from t.s. elliot:
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

ok, i'll post for real soon. been slacking. see ya soon.

Hopeful

I had a pretty good week, following a tough weekend. I've actually had some really thoughtful moments, but as usual, I'm here typing about the past. I'll try though, to catch it in these words.

I had a real good day on Monday, being able to hang out with Albert and really wrestle though what's going on with me. This is kind of all over the place, but here are some notes I jotted down from our talk: (scrambled eggs)

albert to me:

to embrace joy, regardless of how i feel. that joy would be an embodiment of who i am: within those moments of sadness and depression.

- that i would be present to my life: as it is, to live and be here and that to live right now within the kingdom of God : here in my life. and at the same time: to continue to long for God's kingdom to come. for my own longings for: community, closeness, kindred spirit to come true.

- my depression -- those moments of down and helplessness -- that i would at those moments -- ask for God's mercy.

- to find some way to relate to others, to step out beyond my weakness. to choose to engage when i have the choice to do so, or to withdraw. to exercise that muscle of choosing joy.

- it's really easy to withdraw, i feel like much of my life is this kind of withdrawal... that atlanta was a sense of escapism. that life now isn't so much rest, but also withdrawl from stuff because it isn't as i'd want it to be... or i don't want to be disappointed again.

On Thursday, I had a good day too. I was able to volunteer at Linda's classroom ( I ended up teaching some drawing stuff to her students -- what a surprise, it went well!), watercolor class, and then I saw my counselor again. It was all very encouraging. It was my first time re-engaging with youth/neighborhood since quitting tutoring with New Hope. It was also the first I'd talked to my counselor since jetting to atlanta. My counselor was really encouraging in seeing the good in all of my choices and travels through the summer. My counselor does a good job in reminding me that a lot of things that I am g(r)owing through are normal for someone in their 20s.

I'm still hoping for things to work out.

Goodbyes are Hard

I kind of had a mini melt down. It was really great to see a lot folks who came back for Julie's memorial service. Joshx2, Ames, and the rest of folks, real good to see Joann, and a lot of folks who came out of the bushes. But after all of it, I really felt the weight of it, and it just felt like a lot of goodbyes. Goodbye to Charis going off to college, Goodbye to Julie, Goodbye to all those visiting UCSD friends.

Goodbye doesn't make sense. Badbye. Sadbye.

I jetted over to church after breakfast with Vinny, Ames and Josh. I was looking for something. Maybe to share my sadness and my goodbyes, and I was just a mess. Have you ever sat in a room with a whole bunch of folks and felt like you're on Mars while everyone else is on Earth but you're right there physically with them? I felt that way: in my own world. Floating. Desperate. I shared a bit with Albert and Kristin, but it was just hard. I was said it a couple times: I just want something to work out. If I say that, I'm just grinding and clinging to that hope. The hope that's all I have and clinging on because that's all I've got. I can't wait to spend sometime with Albert to talk. With Avery to talk too.

Once more: Goodbye Julie Chen. Miss you sistah. For Real.

skull2skull

This week's been a trip. I've felt the circle of cycle of life swirling around me: Julie's sudden death, my own struggles with loneliness again, going to a wedding, and living here with this family. There's deep sadness in my heart for my friend, and it's challenged and reawakened my heart in a weird way. Here is a letter I wrote to some folks in my community about how things have been going for me.

hey cell,

hope things are well. i wanted to share some of my thoughts lately if that's ok.

i've felt pretty disconnected for a while. traveling has been great. seeing friends on my trip has been food for my soul. still, i feel that i had such an urgency to get away from any scent of disappointment/loneliness/depression/sadness that i shut down part of my heart. so my travels were good, but i struggled to really process anything. i wanted to think about this past year, this trip to chi/atl/san, but it never worked. i'd sit. and the paper and pen would sit there with me.

i had a bit of a meltdown on monday. i felt some of the same sadness creeping up on me late that night. and i was afraid. it's the same fear that makes me hold onto moving away to some where far from here. i'm afraid that i'll be fine through summer, but fall and winter will be times of darkness again for me. i prayed that night, that prayer of overwhelming need. the same way i'd pray myself to sleep during those lonely nights. it scared me to discover that my longings still remain here. yet, i'd finally come back into god's presence. god seems to use my struggles to bring me to him.

(some of yall know already...) i found out on tuesday that a friend of mine had died. she was my age (26), and we sent to ucsd together. she was really a beautiful gal who loved god dearly, and her friends as family. she was always on my side, reminding me to dream big because our god is really big. she had just begun life as a missionary in the philippines, something she longed and waited to be for years.

i can't tell you how much i miss her. i've told some folks already that i've been learning a lot through this. i haven't tasted death before, and this seems to make salvation more real, more pressing, and more beautiful.

i'm doing alright. i'm not a wreck (thank god), but i feel like my heart has awakened again. i still am fearful of being lonely (or those feelings), i still don't feel supergreat about any 'decision' of staying or leaving. it feels less relevant. in the greater picture, god can't fail me.

i'm sharing all this, because i've been thinking more about carlos' teaching on sunday. that statement that: we belong to each other. i've been asking myself what that means for me in relation to you, and for you to me. i feel that thinking this way extends beyond our church/cell family... i'm not sure exactly how, but it helps me to see folks better: heart to heart, skull to skull.

thanks for listening. emmanuel!

-ben

Back in the Town

So I'm back in Oakland now. It's good to finally be back in California
(semi - permanently). At least in body and soon somewhere both in body and spirit. I've actually struggled a bit with really writing and thinking through this trip (and after it to). It seems like some sort of writing or thinking block. I think it may be some sort of space issue too. I'd like to find a good quiet place.

It's been really freeing to pick up and travel; to visit friends and
have them host me for this past month. I liked seeing how my friends live now. Things are different: a couple years wiser, a couple hurts weaker, a couple disappointments stronger, learning to trust God again, some learning to pay their own bills, some folks are learning how to live for God in every aspect of their lives, some folks are coming from the other end: wondering what to do with much that they now have. There are a lot of things to consider. I’m proud of many of my friends. Especially those who continue to trust God with their lives regardless of what has come their way. I really enjoy those folks who are honest with their lives: in relation to God, other people, their work, and their time. It’s hard to do: I know that I’ve struggled with this so much and I’m not all that proud of myself.

One lesson that was really good came at Summer Camp in Atlanta. Donna was speaking to the camp about love, and more importantly, God’s love for us. She began her talk by asking the campers about “love.” They answered some crazy stuff with references to Usher, being with a girl, etc. A lot of it was to get some attention, but a lot of it was really true to life. Donna then took the time to unpack all of this so – called love. And in doing that, it became clear that the love that I associate with is most often conditional. If you do something for me, I’ll love you. If I “love” you, I expect something back. If/Then. God’s love though is unconditional. She told us all that God loves us unconditionally. We don’t need to do anything to get his love. He expects nothing back from his love. He is delighted for our response yet he puts no conditions on his love.

Donna asked a bunch of questions: Does God love you if you don’t listen to your parents? Does God love you if you lie? Do you have to go to church for God to love you? Whoa, that one floored me. It was all no: He loves unconditionally. My heart drops a foot when I think about it: My God loves me. I don’t need to do all of this stuff for him to love me. He just loves me. It isn’t anything that I do. Our God’s love transcends careers, life work, and good intentions. To love God is to obey him, yet he still loves us regardless of our obedience. It’s really deep to me.

Maybe this was my answer to the verse I was flustered with before I left on my trip: (from ephesians 3:17) And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to measure of all fullness of God.

Albert was telling me the other day: that his thought and hope for me: was that I would understand that the fruits of the spirit are of me, not something to just work on and get better at. That God’s spirit IS within me, therefore, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control are all part of me. The expression of the holy spirit comes from my life, and is expressed through living within the thought that these traits are of me, through the Holy Spirit.

dang

i finally got this thing to work. shoot so, some posts to come. in san diego now.

Hope in Chicago

written in chicago (mel's place)
Have you read that book, "Hope in Chicago" by Wayne Gordon? Well, turns out that Mel, Dave, and I were in Lawndale today, poking around the area, learning and walking through the place that we all read about. I read that book during MY and it was really inspiring to me. There's a story about how the community decided that they wanted to build a gym for young people to play in (esp. during the cold). So they built it... by hand. The story was really absurd, but amazing because they essentially built it through a lot of sweat, and very little money. There are a lot of stories like that in the book.

I'll back track a little. So far, vacation has been great. I have to say that I'm really greatful to be able to travel, see old friends, new places, and not work. I know that I can become pretty jealous of others ( when they talk about all of their adventures and i'm stuck grinding out life ), so I hope my sentiments don't have the same effects.

I've realized that stepping away and retreating is a really good thing. I really didn't do much of that at all this year. I actually did the opposite: pushed really hard to be present in the community, work flowed into the weekends at times, worked a lot, and schooled a lot too. I think my approach was really off: doing more to find something meaningful as opposed to doing less and finding fresh air, life, and good space to think and sit and be present to myself.

I noticed this too in cleaning up and packing up my stuff. Space is liberating! It was nice to "live" in my room that had: a bed, a desk, a chair and some clothes. There's a correlation between my own messiness/disorganization(sp?)/lack.of.discipline/chaos and the chaos and confusion that creeped into my head this past year. I need to consider this more: putting time into disciplines that help me to have more space: physically and mentally.

Some thoughts to apply: living simpler. This could mean, owning less stuff. It could also mean being more organized and living in a bigger space. Simplicity in some ways is a discipline. Things get crazy/chaotic/messy quickly without much thought.

It's great to be with Dave again. It's really good to be with Melissa too. I've really missed their company, though the connections came in different ways. I'm really proud of my friends. I feel like their lives are inspiring still, and that's been good for me.

Yesterday was a lot of sight seeing: Art institute of Chicago, Gallery 37, wading in the water at the central park, etc. Today we we did a "non-profit" tour. Both days were different but really inspiring in their own ways. I think I'll write more tmw. Good night.

Frankfurters

this is hard. i haven't done this for a while.

okay, here we go.

Happy Birthday Frank Lloyd Wright. Thank you for the Guggenheim Museum even though you never got to see it finished. I've only seen it from the outside, so don't feel too sad. Thanks for continuing to create amazing plans for buildings in spite of the Great Depression. My Great Depression can learn a lot from that. Sorry for confusing you with the other Frank (Gehry) who designed Bilbao's Guggenheim. Yall would be good friends.

My ankle is still slow to recover. I think I ripped both sides of it. The outside is healing up and ready for mobility, but the inside is still really tender and immobile. Things haven't really progressed over the past couple days. So I'm waiting to just walk. I'm still camped out at home, but I wonder if I should just high - tail it back to the apartment. Once injured, I realized how independant I am, and realized that home would be a better place for me in my dependant state. Home still has some hard parts that I've revisited, but all in all, I am in need of support and it's better to climb six stairs as opposed to 26. I'd really like to get back to walking. Yeaaah.

I meant for this time of rest ( no work last week due to injury ) to be a time of personal healing. Shauna mentioned this to me in light of my injury:

I also wanted to elaborate on something I was thinking about as we were praying for your ankle at your place. I've been studying Luke off and on for a while, and one thing that keeps standing out to me when Jesus does a physical healing is that it seems to come with a spiritual and social healing, also. Many of the folks are outcasts because of their physical struggles -- lepers, bleeding women, unclean unclean -- but when Jesus heals them, he also takes the extra step of restoring them into right relationship with their communities. And I was thinking about that when we were praying, not because I don't think you're in right relationship with folks, but because I know that Oakland continues to be a struggle at times. I was wondering what Jesus wants to do with this healing time for you -- what will it mean spiritually? What will it show you about relationships with community? Just something I was musing over and that I think I mentioned in prayer, but it might have sounded weird out of the context of Luke stuff.

So I've been thinking about it, but I haven't really gotten any super good resolutions from all of it. In my mind, I just need one good buddy to be close with here in Oakland. A dude that's kinda on the same page as me, that'll speak truth into my life to encourage, challenge and support the life here. Is that the solution? I don't know. I'm a little scared about my trip to Atlanta in July. I'm totally excited to see old folks, but I'm actually afraid that being there will be really good, and I'll have to really decide if making a move will be good for my soul.

One thing I really like about these weddings and trips down south (Davey Dave married last weekend) is seeing old buddies. It's really really good to have peers, to get personal so quickly and to be comfortable with it. I asked a couple guys last weekend in LA if these friendships/relationships are too much to desire after college. Thoughts went either way. I wonder if it's true: being close and deep just doesn't happen much after those free-flow days in school. Any thoughts on that?

On a side note, here's the summer plan:
July 28th: OAK to ORD (Chicago) to hang out with Melissa and Dave ( Mission Year homies) for a little bit.
Drive down to Atlanta together.
I'll stay for July (they'll leave in a couple days).
Fly to SAN (diego) to meet up with the guys (Costa Verde apt. 3226) and then attend Sanli's wedding.
Hopefully stay in San Diego a little while longer.
Fly back up to Oakland and figure out life again in mid-August.

I'm gonna write more. I'm dead. Serious.

zzz

This Day

This week had sort of a rough beginning. I

With it all

As much as I complain and moan about my loneliness, I have to say that I am blessed by the presence of a handful of people here in Oakland and in this community. I received a note from Shauna on Sunday. I'm greatful for she and Albert, who've been ears, eyes and stretcher- bearers for me.

These were her (and his) prayers for me:

- Reassurance that God has called you for a purpose - and that you are the right person for what He's looking for, even if you don't yet know the what or the why.

- Balance between living in hopes and dreams for the future, and being present to what God is doing here and now.

- Glimpses of joy and desires fulfilled - connections with people, support from friends old and new, a sense of being "good at this part" in tutoring, work, n(eighborhood) cell, community life.

- Freedom to make choices now to improve what isn't working. Any adjustments to Tutoring, living situation, summer plans away, etc.

- Continued opportunities to connect with others through Art and Sports.

I covet your support. Please be a stretcher bearer in prayer for me.

Amen.

Take Me Away Completely

Sometimes Sadness is Deep enough to take away a Song.

Sometimes Sorrow sits next to me and asks me if I'm OK.

We're together, hand in hand. Looking.

For a new dance partner.

Lentil Soup

I've actually had a lot to write about in the last couple of months. But there's this weird thing about really feeling guilty about writing in an online journal before writing in my own personal Journal. I've also felt very dark and alone during this Lent season, and I haven't had much in me to express that on this webpage. I have sat down to write, but nothing's really posted. Most of it's been ramblings here and there. My expression has showed somewhat in my sketchbook: scratches and sketches of people I don't know, often looking distantly away. Looking and yearning for a little sunlight to crack through the clouds.

This season of Lent has been true to my own life. I was talking with Dan (my friend/pastor) about doing some art stuff for the upcoming church celebration. And I told him that I've been thinking about expressing such a darkness for a while. And I said that I feel like this I've been called to this, because if anyone where to express such a longing, it would be me.

I am there.

There have been moments in the past couple weeks where I've felt the crush of loneliness. Where I've sung songs deep in throat of my soul. I've found the quietest place of solitude (often the bathroom) and I'd just kneel on the floor / Stand in the shower, and speak to God of my struggle with loneliness, and I ask Him to help me find myself again. And I sing quietly. Singing not so much in my own belief of the words sung, but mostly to express the desire to believe in the words of the songs that express the goodness, gracious and ableness of God. I want to believe, and those songs are sung out of yearning and desire.

And maybe doing some sort of expression will help me to find purpose in my life struggles. I've been told by a (newly crowned math) professor that hard times have the purpose of relating to other people. This connects with the idea that community is built through connected struggle.

foola

I found this poem. I think it fits right now. Hmm, I think I'll be writing a bit more soon, but this poem is a good taste of where I'm at.

Christina Georgina Rossetti. 1830–1894
  
Aloof
  
The irresponsive silence of the land,  
The irresponsive sounding of the sea,  
Speak both one message of one sense to me:—  
Aloof, aloof, we stand aloof, so stand  
Thou too aloof, bound with the flawless band
Of inner solitude; we bind not thee;  
But who from thy self-chain shall set thee free?  
What heart shall touch thy heart? What hand thy hand?  
And I am sometimes proud and sometimes meek,  
And sometimes I remember days of old
When fellowship seem'd not so far to seek,  
And all the world and I seem'd much less cold,  
And at the rainbow's foot lay surely gold,  
And hope felt strong, and life itself not weak.

Crushit

Maybe being really frustrated and angry is a good starting point. I really don't know how to express how I feel. My heart is really heavy though. I guess I'm really angry I don't know.

Sometimes I hate my job.

I just want to yell fuck fuck shit damnit.

Whatever, you know?

I don't get it, doesn't E____ get it? Shit, I hate talking to him because there's nothing happening. I hate this shit.

Here's the context of my frustration. There's one high schooler who's really bright and on his way to graduation as a senior. But he just shut it down half way through this year. I don't want to spill a lot of shittiness that's going on, but he's basically failing. There's a lot of poor choices on his part, shitty schools, a dim future, and just plain laziness. But you're one semester away, and now the whole is getting deeper and deeper.

Graduation isn't everything, but being lame about it is just plain sad. I can't blame him. I can't, his school is plain terrible. I can't blame his immigrant history. I can't blame his lack of resources in this place. Where is the church? OK, i will stop, blaming others isn't a beginning to anything good.

Man, I don't know man, shit, I've got to get out of here man. I need better support. Why aren't there any other singles guys out there who care about this shit? Too busy making money I guess. I'm too busy not making money, and getting depressed by it. I take that back. I'm not depressed or poor, I just wish I had more folks to cry, struggle, move, fall, and get up again with.

I don't hate my job, I hate it when things suck for the people I work with. I hate it when all of the forces and voices lead to a life of no options. Trying to push against that destructive wave seems to stop nothing. I know, I should trust God. He is able. Yeah, I know, but it still feels really shitty.

Despair, that's the word.

I miss my Mission Year Team a lot. I miss living with such a purposeful community. There was a lot of fruit despite the hardship.

My heart. It is crushed, but build it up tommorow. I need grace for another day.

Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, He burns the shields with fire.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Rain Down in Oaktown

I really like the rain. I'm so thankful for it. It really helps to put me to sleep, and it really slows down life. There's something cleansing about hearing the rain in the morning. There's something really comforting about it.

I really want to go to sleep, but i'm staying up to watch Spark* at 11pm. Trust me, I'd be snoozing at 8pm but it's my favorite show and it's only once a week. I guess you know you're getting older when you'd stay up to watch Public Television. It's the one channel that taints my belief that the television rots the soul.

This week went pretty well especially considering it was the first week back from two weeks of vacation (and a spittin trip to the five boroughs). More pictures and thoughts to come soon. Shout outs to Kagba, Carlos and Yucan. That trip was triple trouble yall!

Part of my anxiety was facing the realities of life here. Being in charge of the tutoring program can get downright depressing sometimes. Some of the teens are slipping through the cracks, and I can't do much about it. What do you do when of the brightest guys you work with loses motivation as a senior. When the world says: do well in school, graduate, go to college, graduate, and you'll have a good life. But in reality, it's hard enough to graduate, and even if you do, what's there for you?

As a tutor, I'm a coach. I can encourage, teach, and give tips and strategies. I can't do the work for you and I can't teach effort. At the end of the day, I go home and I can only hope that the bigger picture is brighter than the current view.

Losing hope will crush you out here.

If you believe, believe for me because it's hard facing this stuff each day.

Know Screenprinting Tommorow

It's late tonite, but hey, my boss told me not to come in to work because things are slow at the shop. So I get some extra time in the morning tommorow to get up later. Yeah, I know, it makes sense.

It's been strange today. There's something special about accepting where I'm at, and being present to whatever / whoever is in front of my skull, and not worrying about my place in the thick of things. I want to be present to other people, to attend to what's really important in their lives, to be the most to others. I don't think I'm always there. At least not all of me.

I still fluctuate between two states un-united. One coast relishes the challenges of change and can enjoy the company and presence of others. Being alone isn't such a bad thing, it's a chance for self - discovery and maybe a time to settle some of my own short comings. It's O.K. if I haven't fallen in love with all of my life. The other side takes in the same stuff but is a lot less sure. Sure, nothing is exactly right, but it's more like I'm in a worried state. I give into thinking that there is a right path, or that I my importance lies at the foot (or mouth) of others. Mirrors, degrees, salaries, and being known sadden me. There is a sense of emptyness that makes me sleepless.

Life is complex. Finding peace despite the complexity is when life becomes beautiful. I have chosen this life that seeks simplicity. What I am finding is that I am not a simple person.

There is hope though. In this city, in my life, in my work, and in the people that I get to be with. All these seem to groan for peace. They all long for that simplicity.

I love to sing with that growl of longing. I love to rub and scratch the charcoal into visions of life. I love being lost in the looping strums of the guitar. I love to realize that people are beautiful. I love realizing that I am part of all of this.

To the Five Boroughs

I'm off to New York. I'm thankful for this opportunity to travel and revist old friendships.

I hope too that the rain will stop so I won't get wet as I walk to the BART station. Maybe it's a sign of weather to come.

Closer to Nansi Imali

Wheew. This is the beginning of the crunch. Hecka stuff is due this week for school. Hecka. Hecka meaning: I slacked off like crazy after the semester and now i'm working on all this stuff all at once. I still do things the wrong way: last minute. Some lessons are hard to learn.

Another weird thing is I went to work today. There's been a lot of stuff to do at work and my boss was cool on having me and my coworker come in on Saturday. I figure I would because I need the extra hours to pay my bills and well, I enjoy the work too.

I was able to run off a bunch of shirts for my class. They turned out alright. It definitely took a lot more time and energy than I thought, but now I've got cool Christmas gifts. Better be nice to me! Maybe you'll get one of my limited edition prints.

What else. Oh yeah, I have a new friend to replace my lost Camera. What's round, African, deeply resonant, has a tightened head, and has a metallic ping? That's right, my friend from the for sale section of Craigslist.


I'm going to be Rockin the Casbah on Monday nights:

Barf Simpson sings to the beatnik

There's this counter thing at the front end of this web page thing. You might have seen it at the bottom of the page. In any case, it's fun because I get to look at who taps on the door of my little digital plot of space. I can identify some IPs pretty easily but UC Hastings Law School? and Malaysia? So here's a quick shout out: if you identify yourself (in the comments) I might send something your way.

I think this one will be more for my sake so bear with me (roar) if you're a devoted reader of my DEAD world wide web magajournalzine.

(*) Relient K released a new album and I like it a lot. Music may be another testament to change for me. As I've changed through the years, I've let go of some tunes and picked up some new ones along the way. There are bands I'd loved back then but now I won't bother to listen to them anymore. I really liked Relient K's first two albums. Punk pop with a lot of puns and jabs at being young and dumb. That's how I felt during the summer of 2001: working a part time job and going to the beach a lot down in San Diego. For some reason, I outgrew RK and their third album was kind of lame to me. Sappy love songs and weak poppy poopy punk songs about nothing ( so i thought ). I think RK's reeled me back in. Their sound is a lot harder, but still really creative: lots of different instruments and a schizophrenic identity of sound between slow, fast, serious and sarcastic.

Their stop-and-go sound is similar to Switchfoot (or what switchfoot was). RK's drummer's awesome (you can't punk it without a good drummer(ask U2)). I like being surprised by creative music. Che-che-che Che-che-che Check it out!

(*) I've started to play drums again. It's been a long time coming but I started jamming on Mondays with two other guys from New Hope. It's a really interesting process of (re)learning the drumset through a computer and a keyboard. Albert hooks up his MIDI keyboard to a G4 with Garageband and I'm ready to jam. The hardest part about drumming on a keyboard is coordinating my fingers rather than my whole body (four apendages). I still haven't mastered anything more than a pretty simple rock beat. Trying to play the fills is pretty difficult too. The one big upside about playing a digital drumset is that I have really easy access to so many sounds all at once, and I can even shuttle through different kinds of sets: rock, jazz, brushes, dance, etc. Even more interesting is that drums and piano are the two instruments I learned growing up, and now I'm playing them both at the same time.

(*) I played on the music team set this Sunday for our New Hope Celebration (once a month whole church service). I was hecka nervous and at one point I almost threw up. (Barf on the keyboard!) Still, I think it went pretty well. At one point, I was able to sing while drumming and that was awesome. I really love to sing in a massive group, kind of like how things were in college. I just really like singing with that deep sense of connection of spirit/music (All who are thirsty...). The accoustics were great in the room and it felt like old times: Mikey on the lead, with Mike Lo right there too, Mike Ong on the 'lectric, Me and ET on the sticks, Kagba MCing, Esther on the keys, and Caleb switching mics on the fly.

(*) I also shared a testimony on Sunday. This also added to the barf factor. I'll post it later maybe. It was really honest (and I was super nervous) but I think it also went O.K. People were encouraging about it later. It touched on my very imperfect life, a bit on my wandering soul, and finding connection through the work I do. I testified to God's goodness inspite of my stumbling and fumbling as a young man in his mid 20s.

This, a weird entry is. Like I said before, this one's for me. My life usually isn't so barfy. Ending with a quote from Dali: The desire to survive and the fear of death are artistic sentiments.

Pawn Shop Life

My camera was stolen today. I put it down at New Hope's thanksgiving party. I ate a bit, danced a bit, sat a bit. When it was done, it was gone. I shouldn't have put it down, or brought it in the first place.

As much as I really like my camera (as the best birthday present ever), it was a good grip test. How tight my grip is on my stuff.

Never forget, there's life after death and taxes. RIP on a Pawn Shop's shelf!

Finally, here I am with my good friend:

(Dis)Connected

I have more thoughts on my struggle to connect spiritually to God.

On my way out of the house, Josh told me shortly that a guy died yesterday at the Fruitvale BART station. It kind of freaked me out because I was scared it was someone I knew. (It's not like I have a lot of friends, but the thought did cross my mind) I rushed off to work a couple blocks down the way. Hit by a BART train. I tasted a bit of Oakland's relationship with death. I read a couple articles tonite about what happened.

article

There wasn't much to say about it, though I figured i'd keep my mouth closed, especially working with elementary school students.

[break]

This morning I had a moment of connection. When I create I am whole. I find God in the state of peace ... when I draw, think, create.

[break]

I felt the hopelessness in the youth at tutoring. A lot of swearing, and street sense, a dialogue I did not understand, or exactly know of. But a reallness in all of it. To feel / understand the circumstances and struggles that the people of the city have to deal iwth... finally... and it wasn't easy.

Not to knock my parents but it's crazy how they're so protective of my sister, my brother and I. protective and worried about everything. Right fully so, I hang out with my friends who have children, and it makes me understand how life changes. And how life is about allowing life to blossom and be protected for your child. Still, a lot of those concerns pale compard to the struggles that folks here go through. It's laughable to have such conflicts when life as a whole is great in Castro Valley. space, etc.

And come on, minus the temper tantrums, my sisters' turning out great. Nothing to worry about what do i know about parenting.

And it's not to look down on these kids, but i felt the burden of a second-rate education. What does it mean for me to part of the growing process fo these youth? Four years down the line, life will be more difficult. Jobs will be more scarce... Fruitvale will have more people and the same problems. It's hard to figure out what's availabe here. To express a working, positive , life change opportunity.

What does education bring? Sometimes God/Church is all about doing whats right: not cussing, not talking bad, not talking about liking someone else. But it's not just being a nice guy/girl or doing the right thing, though there's a sense of that when one's in the walls of the church.

[break]

I can't really connect these thoughts. I'm trying to find inspiration from the masters. To end:
Matisse: Creativity takes courage.

Come Like a Rushing Wind

I'm not sure while I'm still up. It seems like this whole weekend's been spent sitting around, holed up in either a cafe or my room. My adjustment to life here has been slow and I'm realizing more about myself as I wander slowly (by myself).

I watched the movie Saved tonite. It was actually pretty good. It did a great job of critiquing American Christianity. It wasn't perfect, but it made me squirm at some moments. I think the makers of the film did well in expressing that life at times isn't so cut-and-dry. Whereas there is a need to have standards and to seek truth, there is also ( i believe ) a need to approach life and it's circumstances with grace, hope, and love.

I'm not big on quoting songs. Actually, I don't really like doing it at all, but I've been listening to this song by Tim Hughes. I don't have the title of it. Lately it's been my only connection to God. I go to prayer meetings each week, and pray with my pastor at work and there's been nothing in me during those times. What do they call it? Dry times? What about sitting there with my palms open waiting to listen for God to speak. Waiting. Waiting. More like silent insecure times. Just confused.

I turned up the stereo really loud and played this over and over. There I go wearing out songs I like.

It goes a bit like this:

There must be more than this
Oh breath of God
Come breathe within...

There must be more than this
Spirit of God
We wait for you...

Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray


Come like a rushing wind...

Twenty Fiver Fall Guy

Well, I haven't had too much time to think about it, but I turned 25 today. I think I'll take a sabbath and write out some thoughts and reflections of this past year and a little midterm review for myself. I think I've shared a bit with some folks but I've put forth some pretty big commitments ( I think ) for my 20s. I'm forecasting content again. Again. Again. So that's that. I felt a bit anxious about 25er. It has been said by another Fall baby (and I feel the same): Fall birthdays are kind of strange because fall is usually a season of change and newness (following school cycles) and I've found that I either am just getting to know people or they're just starting to get to know me, so any birthday wishes are weak and kind of introductory or just unkown. So if I'm around next year, it'll be better.

I'm grateful for those acknowledgements that were there... some old friends/family and some new ones. The responses were equally extreme in relationship to me. New friends are really new and old friends (a lot of them) are fading away (less responses).

I'm the Fall Guy.

As for my last post, I feel a bit hypocritical. I made an APB for folks to register but it turns out that I won't be registered this time around. I got it all ready: signed - sealed -stamped. Put it in my hand in the morning but I went straight to work instead of the Post Office because I was running late. Then I reminded myself to do it between commuting to my other job, but I was rushing so I forgot. I realized I forgot at 7:00 dinner. I had the sinking-in-the-stomach I-missed-it feeling. Oh well, I think Kerry has a good chance to win California anyway, so I miss out on voicing for the propositions. Yeah, Kerry's my man, even though I'm not all too sure about his execution of plans after talking to Avery. Who knows, I just want some change.

Dubya's done (enough).

Josh (my apartmentmate) suggested getting ahold of my San Diego mail. 8520 Costa Verde Blvd. #3226/San Diego CA/ 92122. I still remember that address. Good Times. Next time I'll do it right.

All Points Bulletin

This isn't really a journal entry, it's more of a Public Service Announcement.

There's an APB out on unregistered voters.

Tommorow's the last day to register to vote for California voters. If you haven't yet, you can go here. I went to moveon.org to register. It's basically the same thing. Just put in your information, print out the form, sign it and get it POSTMARKED by 10 - 18 - 2004.

Whatever you believe or stand for, don't be caught without a voice. If anything, AT LEAST vote for the propositions. I feel ya if you're unsure about either candidate, but you have some options other than the red pill or blue pill.

And one last thing, while you're at the post office, send me a present for my birthday on Tuesday. I know, no shame.

Oaklandish

It was hot today.

I thought summer was gone, but it came back to remind me of shorts and flip flops. It felt good to feel the heat again. I like summer nights the best. Indian Summer's one the best parts of living in the Bay Area.

A lot of new changes, but the biggest one is that I've moved out of the house and I'm living in East Oakland now. It's been a long time coming (moving out) and I'm greatful for the freedom and space that it provides for me. I feel like I'm healther now. My neighborhood (I guess I can say it's mine now) is an intersesting place and I'll have to write more about my feelings towards it. For now, I'm just a stranger that lives here. Hopefully soon I'll be part of the community through deeper relationships, barbeques, art collaborations, and basketball. There's a relief that comes from being able to dream again.

There's a long story to it, but to make it short, my financial situation is starting to square up again. I guess things worked out with my money from last year holding over for my 2 month unemployment stint. It's good that I didn't buy a car even though I'll probably need to buy some wheels if I'm going to try to keep this lifestyle up. Up to this week, I'd been going to school and also working part time at a screen-printing shop. Just this week, I've started as the tutoring coordinator for New Hope's After School Tutoring program.

It's been kind of crazy trying to juggle 2 part time jobs and school. The hardest part is that I like all of it. As I step back, it's crazy, but when I'm doing it, it's my life. My loneliness has taken somewhat of a backseat to all of this activity. It's good to keep moving and not dwell on being alone. When I do take a moment to think about it, I guess I just don't really have any answers. I mean, I still wish I had more friends - especially guys my age interested in the whole urban living / community building lifestyle. But what can I really do about that? Thinking makes me feel like a loser, and that's just lame because it's a downward spiral of despair. All my 'close' friends live far away in Canada, San Diego, Atlanta, Los Angeles, etc. The sooner I get over it, and come to a point where I enjoy who I am where I am, the closer I come to really living.

I may not understand the mystery of my life but maybe I can begin living it.

Front and Center, Part 1, The Stage

Critiques are crazy. You can come out feeling on top of the world, indifferent, or you can sit down feeling like a chump who doesn't know how to do anything right. Everyone still claps for you.

The format for class critiques goes like this: Come up to the front, present your painting, make any informative comments on content/technique/etc., the floor is then open (gasp), our instructor asks "are there any other comments?", and then she puts in her two cents. The time is prefaced with a short reminder to be positive and to make constructive criticism, don't just say that someone's work is horrible.

It's really interesting how people approach critiques. Some folks come to the front and totally appologize about their work: I didn't finish it, I don't really like it, I don't think it's very good, I don't like it so I'm thinking of changing this and this..." Head down, usually no eye contact and sometimes an indifferent posture. I think this technique works really well. The moment the presenting artist says they don't like it, the mob (class) comes back with soothing affirmations of artistic genius. Stuff like: No, I think it's great! You really captured a sense of this or that! (what you don't like) may be true, but I really think this and that works. The artist can't lose in this situation.

The complex genius approach is where one's painting is an epic introspective look at an issue up close and from afar. Usually the artist comes up to the front, explains too much about the piece (diving into politics, personal fears, techniques, and references to other artists) and then ends with: but i guess it's all up to interpretation. The mob doesn't really like this artist. The mob is quietly intimidated by this artist's expressed intelligence and it wants to humble the artist. In this case, there's a short conversation which usually spins around politics or the technique of the painting, but it is usually a very short conversation. The artist usually wins in this situation and the mob is at its edge.

There is generally only one other approach: the average Picasso. The artist comes up to front, presents a couple short ideas and techniques (or challenges) and then allows for the critique to run its course. This artist stands in between the postures of the apologizer and the genius: not too tall, but definitely not ashamed. The mob loves this artist. This is because the mob can do what it likes at this moment. Average Picasso jams the hands deep into the pockets and waits for whatever cometh. The mob may choose to rip into something that they can't seem to shake off. Often, the critique shifts from the work presented (and what it represents) to some aspect of art or politics that the mob detests. The shift away from the task at hand leaves the artist empty and unappreciated. The mob can go the other way. It can create a Monet in a millisecond. I love this aspect of this or that they crow, and the artist beams inside. The mob can't lose in this situation.

Only the instructor keeps the same role throughout the critique. She never presents her work, being immune to any praise or criticism. The artists change roles throughout the process. They are mostly with the mob, yet time calls when they must (as they say) face the music. Thus, artists experience the highs and the lows of criticism. Some catch a massive wave of success, riding all the way into the sea of clapping hands. Others are smacked over by the wave from the get go and wind up tumbling back to the shore of the mob, hearing the same sea of claps. It is important for artists to remember that there are always new waves and each new wave has no memory of past attempts to ride.

Dog Days

Summer has rightfully passed by already. The begining of school and the push for the playoffs in baseball validates this. The weather hasn't really cooperated with these signs of a changing season. They call them the dog days of summer, and I think I understand the phrase better after today.

It wasn't all that hot today, but i seemed to be around a lot of hot-headed people. Folks on the road were riding up on me, parking spots took long lunch breaks, and I had to wait a long time just to get a couple errands done. Meanwhile, our house was slowly heatin' up. Someone's got to crack open the windows as the sun goes down or it's a microwave until 9:30.

I came home all tired from my work and then things just went bezerko. Well, things stayed the same and I went bezerko. I was super tired, hungry, cranky, and ready to let you know that I wasn't finishing the day well. Then I started thinking about my life, and where things are going: When's this job gonna come through? Is it going to be enough?

Bad idea on a hot day!

Where am I going with this? I don't know. Dog days are good for: Swimming pools, Water fights, Water balloons, Ice in your drink, Deep sleep in front of a fan, and Ice Cream on the cone.

Did I ever tell you about a dog named Lucky? Now THAT'S a story! Maybe next time!

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