Crushit

Maybe being really frustrated and angry is a good starting point. I really don't know how to express how I feel. My heart is really heavy though. I guess I'm really angry I don't know.

Sometimes I hate my job.

I just want to yell fuck fuck shit damnit.

Whatever, you know?

I don't get it, doesn't E____ get it? Shit, I hate talking to him because there's nothing happening. I hate this shit.

Here's the context of my frustration. There's one high schooler who's really bright and on his way to graduation as a senior. But he just shut it down half way through this year. I don't want to spill a lot of shittiness that's going on, but he's basically failing. There's a lot of poor choices on his part, shitty schools, a dim future, and just plain laziness. But you're one semester away, and now the whole is getting deeper and deeper.

Graduation isn't everything, but being lame about it is just plain sad. I can't blame him. I can't, his school is plain terrible. I can't blame his immigrant history. I can't blame his lack of resources in this place. Where is the church? OK, i will stop, blaming others isn't a beginning to anything good.

Man, I don't know man, shit, I've got to get out of here man. I need better support. Why aren't there any other singles guys out there who care about this shit? Too busy making money I guess. I'm too busy not making money, and getting depressed by it. I take that back. I'm not depressed or poor, I just wish I had more folks to cry, struggle, move, fall, and get up again with.

I don't hate my job, I hate it when things suck for the people I work with. I hate it when all of the forces and voices lead to a life of no options. Trying to push against that destructive wave seems to stop nothing. I know, I should trust God. He is able. Yeah, I know, but it still feels really shitty.

Despair, that's the word.

I miss my Mission Year Team a lot. I miss living with such a purposeful community. There was a lot of fruit despite the hardship.

My heart. It is crushed, but build it up tommorow. I need grace for another day.

Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, He burns the shields with fire.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."