Typhoid Pill

Shoot. I almost forgot to take my anti-Typhoid pill. I have to take these 4 pills in sequence, every other day. I also can't eat 2 hours before or 2 hours after I take it. So I'm going to wait another 30 minutes because I ate a chocolate chip cookie a little while ago.

(cookie) Doh!

So you can thank my roomate Matt for keeping me up later by the power of a fresh baked cookie and resulting in this wonderful Mystery Meat Bootleg Squeegee journal entry.

Speaking of the Mystery Meat Bootleg Squeegee, I will officially announce that I'll probably end this blog soon and start a different one in conjunction with my trip to Sierra Leone. More news will come soon, but I'm pretty sure I'll end it upon ending work next Wednesday. Since I won't be working at the Screenprinting shop (hence the Squeegee reference), it makes sense for the change.

I think I've been feeling overwhelmed with life.

I talked to Albert today and I have to admit that I came away feeling a bit confused and frustrated with my sadness and anxiety. I feel like I'm more concerned about leaving this community unmet and still needy, rather than being excited about going to Africa. It's crazy! Here I am about to embark on a new adventure I've been wanting for so long and at the heels of it, my feelings are focused on the frustrations of my current life and not the excitement and promise of something new.

Gosh, what's wrong with me!

I feel like things are still unfinished and unmet here in Oakland. I wish that I felt better leaving this place. Sam Lau asked me over the break if I'd miss here (Oakland). I said: "No, not really. But I wish I did." Micah asked a similar question the other day. "Do you feel like you're being sent off by your church?" I said: "Kind of, but not really. I feel like I was sent off better when I left San Diego for Mission Year." I think life is different now at my current church. Our strength isn't internal, but more external and work/achievement focused. I was better connected when I was in college, which is hard to expect here in Oakland (not in college anymore).

I feel sad when I think about these things. I still wonder if this is the right place for me. I wonder if I should leave for another place to start anew. Somewhere where more people know me already, somewhere where I have some close guy friends that will walk with me slowly, somewhere sunnier. If I do leave, I feel like my time in Oakland was just a big failure. I wonder if I should tell the gal I like that I like her. I wonder if it'll just be weird and I'll lose a friend. That's the last thing I need, to lose a friend. I wonder about getting my house in order: learning to be responsible, learning to love those in front of me, getting some health insurance, learning to do well with the work that's placed in front of me, being disciplined in time with Jesus: in prayer and in the word.

I'm a people pleaser. Call it what you want, but I want people to like me. I want to be affirmed and loved, and I know I'm chasing after it. I've spent my time trying to find more folks for support, hanging out, scheduling hang out time, trying to harder to be more social and available. My solution to my search for community and connection has been really external. I think I've gone about this the wrong way. I'd like to try again, but spend more time in quietness with Jesus, in prayer, and in the word. Oh how far am I from God! I go to church and do the right things but still, I struggle. I've forgotten how much you love and affirm me Jesus.

I read some of Phillipians tonite. I spent time writing in my journal. I asked for a new start. A fresh start to life in Oakland, and a deeper sense of God's hand holding me, protecting me, walking with me in the most joyous moments, and in the saddest suffering.

Time to take my pill. Good night.