25 plus 1

who knows what this year will hold.

all i know is i got used to 25 and now it's done with. i had this sense of sadness, not about getting older, but wondering if things have changed this year. some folks get all into getting older, i don't know, i don't think it's that big of a deal, but it's really been hard for me in that i wonder if things are different from a year ago. am i closer to God, or am i too caught up in this search for identity and community? age isn't so hard, not maturing is.

in light of this, i had this realization today, and i hope that you hold me to it. i realized that i need to come closer to the realities of life. i don't need to figure out exactly who i am or what i should be doing now, but i really should come closer to the truth of my existence.

i was made to worship god. i was made to express beauty. i was made to be creative. i was made to be loved. i was made to love my God and other people intimately and deeply. i was made to be intimate with others.

i started out my early 20s in search for a good life. then there was a great stirring in my heart from different life experiences, and i committed the rest of the roaring 20s to sacrifice, service, and identifying with the poor. right now, i think something's gone wrong or needs to change because i'm busy fighting myself each day: wondering and wandering too much ... and feeling stuck in it. i feel a need to phase into something new: finding out how i mature into living a life that allows for me to live freely.

beauty.
creativity.
love.
god.
hope.
community.
intimacy.
people.
life giving service.
identifying with the poor.

from t.s. elliot:
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.