Lentil Soup

I've actually had a lot to write about in the last couple of months. But there's this weird thing about really feeling guilty about writing in an online journal before writing in my own personal Journal. I've also felt very dark and alone during this Lent season, and I haven't had much in me to express that on this webpage. I have sat down to write, but nothing's really posted. Most of it's been ramblings here and there. My expression has showed somewhat in my sketchbook: scratches and sketches of people I don't know, often looking distantly away. Looking and yearning for a little sunlight to crack through the clouds.

This season of Lent has been true to my own life. I was talking with Dan (my friend/pastor) about doing some art stuff for the upcoming church celebration. And I told him that I've been thinking about expressing such a darkness for a while. And I said that I feel like this I've been called to this, because if anyone where to express such a longing, it would be me.

I am there.

There have been moments in the past couple weeks where I've felt the crush of loneliness. Where I've sung songs deep in throat of my soul. I've found the quietest place of solitude (often the bathroom) and I'd just kneel on the floor / Stand in the shower, and speak to God of my struggle with loneliness, and I ask Him to help me find myself again. And I sing quietly. Singing not so much in my own belief of the words sung, but mostly to express the desire to believe in the words of the songs that express the goodness, gracious and ableness of God. I want to believe, and those songs are sung out of yearning and desire.

And maybe doing some sort of expression will help me to find purpose in my life struggles. I've been told by a (newly crowned math) professor that hard times have the purpose of relating to other people. This connects with the idea that community is built through connected struggle.