foola

I found this poem. I think it fits right now. Hmm, I think I'll be writing a bit more soon, but this poem is a good taste of where I'm at.

Christina Georgina Rossetti. 1830–1894
  
Aloof
  
The irresponsive silence of the land,  
The irresponsive sounding of the sea,  
Speak both one message of one sense to me:—  
Aloof, aloof, we stand aloof, so stand  
Thou too aloof, bound with the flawless band
Of inner solitude; we bind not thee;  
But who from thy self-chain shall set thee free?  
What heart shall touch thy heart? What hand thy hand?  
And I am sometimes proud and sometimes meek,  
And sometimes I remember days of old
When fellowship seem'd not so far to seek,  
And all the world and I seem'd much less cold,  
And at the rainbow's foot lay surely gold,  
And hope felt strong, and life itself not weak.

Crushit

Maybe being really frustrated and angry is a good starting point. I really don't know how to express how I feel. My heart is really heavy though. I guess I'm really angry I don't know.

Sometimes I hate my job.

I just want to yell fuck fuck shit damnit.

Whatever, you know?

I don't get it, doesn't E____ get it? Shit, I hate talking to him because there's nothing happening. I hate this shit.

Here's the context of my frustration. There's one high schooler who's really bright and on his way to graduation as a senior. But he just shut it down half way through this year. I don't want to spill a lot of shittiness that's going on, but he's basically failing. There's a lot of poor choices on his part, shitty schools, a dim future, and just plain laziness. But you're one semester away, and now the whole is getting deeper and deeper.

Graduation isn't everything, but being lame about it is just plain sad. I can't blame him. I can't, his school is plain terrible. I can't blame his immigrant history. I can't blame his lack of resources in this place. Where is the church? OK, i will stop, blaming others isn't a beginning to anything good.

Man, I don't know man, shit, I've got to get out of here man. I need better support. Why aren't there any other singles guys out there who care about this shit? Too busy making money I guess. I'm too busy not making money, and getting depressed by it. I take that back. I'm not depressed or poor, I just wish I had more folks to cry, struggle, move, fall, and get up again with.

I don't hate my job, I hate it when things suck for the people I work with. I hate it when all of the forces and voices lead to a life of no options. Trying to push against that destructive wave seems to stop nothing. I know, I should trust God. He is able. Yeah, I know, but it still feels really shitty.

Despair, that's the word.

I miss my Mission Year Team a lot. I miss living with such a purposeful community. There was a lot of fruit despite the hardship.

My heart. It is crushed, but build it up tommorow. I need grace for another day.

Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, He burns the shields with fire.
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Rain Down in Oaktown

I really like the rain. I'm so thankful for it. It really helps to put me to sleep, and it really slows down life. There's something cleansing about hearing the rain in the morning. There's something really comforting about it.

I really want to go to sleep, but i'm staying up to watch Spark* at 11pm. Trust me, I'd be snoozing at 8pm but it's my favorite show and it's only once a week. I guess you know you're getting older when you'd stay up to watch Public Television. It's the one channel that taints my belief that the television rots the soul.

This week went pretty well especially considering it was the first week back from two weeks of vacation (and a spittin trip to the five boroughs). More pictures and thoughts to come soon. Shout outs to Kagba, Carlos and Yucan. That trip was triple trouble yall!

Part of my anxiety was facing the realities of life here. Being in charge of the tutoring program can get downright depressing sometimes. Some of the teens are slipping through the cracks, and I can't do much about it. What do you do when of the brightest guys you work with loses motivation as a senior. When the world says: do well in school, graduate, go to college, graduate, and you'll have a good life. But in reality, it's hard enough to graduate, and even if you do, what's there for you?

As a tutor, I'm a coach. I can encourage, teach, and give tips and strategies. I can't do the work for you and I can't teach effort. At the end of the day, I go home and I can only hope that the bigger picture is brighter than the current view.

Losing hope will crush you out here.

If you believe, believe for me because it's hard facing this stuff each day.

Know Screenprinting Tommorow

It's late tonite, but hey, my boss told me not to come in to work because things are slow at the shop. So I get some extra time in the morning tommorow to get up later. Yeah, I know, it makes sense.

It's been strange today. There's something special about accepting where I'm at, and being present to whatever / whoever is in front of my skull, and not worrying about my place in the thick of things. I want to be present to other people, to attend to what's really important in their lives, to be the most to others. I don't think I'm always there. At least not all of me.

I still fluctuate between two states un-united. One coast relishes the challenges of change and can enjoy the company and presence of others. Being alone isn't such a bad thing, it's a chance for self - discovery and maybe a time to settle some of my own short comings. It's O.K. if I haven't fallen in love with all of my life. The other side takes in the same stuff but is a lot less sure. Sure, nothing is exactly right, but it's more like I'm in a worried state. I give into thinking that there is a right path, or that I my importance lies at the foot (or mouth) of others. Mirrors, degrees, salaries, and being known sadden me. There is a sense of emptyness that makes me sleepless.

Life is complex. Finding peace despite the complexity is when life becomes beautiful. I have chosen this life that seeks simplicity. What I am finding is that I am not a simple person.

There is hope though. In this city, in my life, in my work, and in the people that I get to be with. All these seem to groan for peace. They all long for that simplicity.

I love to sing with that growl of longing. I love to rub and scratch the charcoal into visions of life. I love being lost in the looping strums of the guitar. I love to realize that people are beautiful. I love realizing that I am part of all of this.