(Dis)Connected

I have more thoughts on my struggle to connect spiritually to God.

On my way out of the house, Josh told me shortly that a guy died yesterday at the Fruitvale BART station. It kind of freaked me out because I was scared it was someone I knew. (It's not like I have a lot of friends, but the thought did cross my mind) I rushed off to work a couple blocks down the way. Hit by a BART train. I tasted a bit of Oakland's relationship with death. I read a couple articles tonite about what happened.

article

There wasn't much to say about it, though I figured i'd keep my mouth closed, especially working with elementary school students.

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This morning I had a moment of connection. When I create I am whole. I find God in the state of peace ... when I draw, think, create.

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I felt the hopelessness in the youth at tutoring. A lot of swearing, and street sense, a dialogue I did not understand, or exactly know of. But a reallness in all of it. To feel / understand the circumstances and struggles that the people of the city have to deal iwth... finally... and it wasn't easy.

Not to knock my parents but it's crazy how they're so protective of my sister, my brother and I. protective and worried about everything. Right fully so, I hang out with my friends who have children, and it makes me understand how life changes. And how life is about allowing life to blossom and be protected for your child. Still, a lot of those concerns pale compard to the struggles that folks here go through. It's laughable to have such conflicts when life as a whole is great in Castro Valley. space, etc.

And come on, minus the temper tantrums, my sisters' turning out great. Nothing to worry about what do i know about parenting.

And it's not to look down on these kids, but i felt the burden of a second-rate education. What does it mean for me to part of the growing process fo these youth? Four years down the line, life will be more difficult. Jobs will be more scarce... Fruitvale will have more people and the same problems. It's hard to figure out what's availabe here. To express a working, positive , life change opportunity.

What does education bring? Sometimes God/Church is all about doing whats right: not cussing, not talking bad, not talking about liking someone else. But it's not just being a nice guy/girl or doing the right thing, though there's a sense of that when one's in the walls of the church.

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I can't really connect these thoughts. I'm trying to find inspiration from the masters. To end:
Matisse: Creativity takes courage.

Come Like a Rushing Wind

I'm not sure while I'm still up. It seems like this whole weekend's been spent sitting around, holed up in either a cafe or my room. My adjustment to life here has been slow and I'm realizing more about myself as I wander slowly (by myself).

I watched the movie Saved tonite. It was actually pretty good. It did a great job of critiquing American Christianity. It wasn't perfect, but it made me squirm at some moments. I think the makers of the film did well in expressing that life at times isn't so cut-and-dry. Whereas there is a need to have standards and to seek truth, there is also ( i believe ) a need to approach life and it's circumstances with grace, hope, and love.

I'm not big on quoting songs. Actually, I don't really like doing it at all, but I've been listening to this song by Tim Hughes. I don't have the title of it. Lately it's been my only connection to God. I go to prayer meetings each week, and pray with my pastor at work and there's been nothing in me during those times. What do they call it? Dry times? What about sitting there with my palms open waiting to listen for God to speak. Waiting. Waiting. More like silent insecure times. Just confused.

I turned up the stereo really loud and played this over and over. There I go wearing out songs I like.

It goes a bit like this:

There must be more than this
Oh breath of God
Come breathe within...

There must be more than this
Spirit of God
We wait for you...

Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray


Come like a rushing wind...

Twenty Fiver Fall Guy

Well, I haven't had too much time to think about it, but I turned 25 today. I think I'll take a sabbath and write out some thoughts and reflections of this past year and a little midterm review for myself. I think I've shared a bit with some folks but I've put forth some pretty big commitments ( I think ) for my 20s. I'm forecasting content again. Again. Again. So that's that. I felt a bit anxious about 25er. It has been said by another Fall baby (and I feel the same): Fall birthdays are kind of strange because fall is usually a season of change and newness (following school cycles) and I've found that I either am just getting to know people or they're just starting to get to know me, so any birthday wishes are weak and kind of introductory or just unkown. So if I'm around next year, it'll be better.

I'm grateful for those acknowledgements that were there... some old friends/family and some new ones. The responses were equally extreme in relationship to me. New friends are really new and old friends (a lot of them) are fading away (less responses).

I'm the Fall Guy.

As for my last post, I feel a bit hypocritical. I made an APB for folks to register but it turns out that I won't be registered this time around. I got it all ready: signed - sealed -stamped. Put it in my hand in the morning but I went straight to work instead of the Post Office because I was running late. Then I reminded myself to do it between commuting to my other job, but I was rushing so I forgot. I realized I forgot at 7:00 dinner. I had the sinking-in-the-stomach I-missed-it feeling. Oh well, I think Kerry has a good chance to win California anyway, so I miss out on voicing for the propositions. Yeah, Kerry's my man, even though I'm not all too sure about his execution of plans after talking to Avery. Who knows, I just want some change.

Dubya's done (enough).

Josh (my apartmentmate) suggested getting ahold of my San Diego mail. 8520 Costa Verde Blvd. #3226/San Diego CA/ 92122. I still remember that address. Good Times. Next time I'll do it right.

All Points Bulletin

This isn't really a journal entry, it's more of a Public Service Announcement.

There's an APB out on unregistered voters.

Tommorow's the last day to register to vote for California voters. If you haven't yet, you can go here. I went to moveon.org to register. It's basically the same thing. Just put in your information, print out the form, sign it and get it POSTMARKED by 10 - 18 - 2004.

Whatever you believe or stand for, don't be caught without a voice. If anything, AT LEAST vote for the propositions. I feel ya if you're unsure about either candidate, but you have some options other than the red pill or blue pill.

And one last thing, while you're at the post office, send me a present for my birthday on Tuesday. I know, no shame.

Oaklandish

It was hot today.

I thought summer was gone, but it came back to remind me of shorts and flip flops. It felt good to feel the heat again. I like summer nights the best. Indian Summer's one the best parts of living in the Bay Area.

A lot of new changes, but the biggest one is that I've moved out of the house and I'm living in East Oakland now. It's been a long time coming (moving out) and I'm greatful for the freedom and space that it provides for me. I feel like I'm healther now. My neighborhood (I guess I can say it's mine now) is an intersesting place and I'll have to write more about my feelings towards it. For now, I'm just a stranger that lives here. Hopefully soon I'll be part of the community through deeper relationships, barbeques, art collaborations, and basketball. There's a relief that comes from being able to dream again.

There's a long story to it, but to make it short, my financial situation is starting to square up again. I guess things worked out with my money from last year holding over for my 2 month unemployment stint. It's good that I didn't buy a car even though I'll probably need to buy some wheels if I'm going to try to keep this lifestyle up. Up to this week, I'd been going to school and also working part time at a screen-printing shop. Just this week, I've started as the tutoring coordinator for New Hope's After School Tutoring program.

It's been kind of crazy trying to juggle 2 part time jobs and school. The hardest part is that I like all of it. As I step back, it's crazy, but when I'm doing it, it's my life. My loneliness has taken somewhat of a backseat to all of this activity. It's good to keep moving and not dwell on being alone. When I do take a moment to think about it, I guess I just don't really have any answers. I mean, I still wish I had more friends - especially guys my age interested in the whole urban living / community building lifestyle. But what can I really do about that? Thinking makes me feel like a loser, and that's just lame because it's a downward spiral of despair. All my 'close' friends live far away in Canada, San Diego, Atlanta, Los Angeles, etc. The sooner I get over it, and come to a point where I enjoy who I am where I am, the closer I come to really living.

I may not understand the mystery of my life but maybe I can begin living it.