Hopeful

I had a pretty good week, following a tough weekend. I've actually had some really thoughtful moments, but as usual, I'm here typing about the past. I'll try though, to catch it in these words.

I had a real good day on Monday, being able to hang out with Albert and really wrestle though what's going on with me. This is kind of all over the place, but here are some notes I jotted down from our talk: (scrambled eggs)

albert to me:

to embrace joy, regardless of how i feel. that joy would be an embodiment of who i am: within those moments of sadness and depression.

- that i would be present to my life: as it is, to live and be here and that to live right now within the kingdom of God : here in my life. and at the same time: to continue to long for God's kingdom to come. for my own longings for: community, closeness, kindred spirit to come true.

- my depression -- those moments of down and helplessness -- that i would at those moments -- ask for God's mercy.

- to find some way to relate to others, to step out beyond my weakness. to choose to engage when i have the choice to do so, or to withdraw. to exercise that muscle of choosing joy.

- it's really easy to withdraw, i feel like much of my life is this kind of withdrawal... that atlanta was a sense of escapism. that life now isn't so much rest, but also withdrawl from stuff because it isn't as i'd want it to be... or i don't want to be disappointed again.

On Thursday, I had a good day too. I was able to volunteer at Linda's classroom ( I ended up teaching some drawing stuff to her students -- what a surprise, it went well!), watercolor class, and then I saw my counselor again. It was all very encouraging. It was my first time re-engaging with youth/neighborhood since quitting tutoring with New Hope. It was also the first I'd talked to my counselor since jetting to atlanta. My counselor was really encouraging in seeing the good in all of my choices and travels through the summer. My counselor does a good job in reminding me that a lot of things that I am g(r)owing through are normal for someone in their 20s.

I'm still hoping for things to work out.

Goodbyes are Hard

I kind of had a mini melt down. It was really great to see a lot folks who came back for Julie's memorial service. Joshx2, Ames, and the rest of folks, real good to see Joann, and a lot of folks who came out of the bushes. But after all of it, I really felt the weight of it, and it just felt like a lot of goodbyes. Goodbye to Charis going off to college, Goodbye to Julie, Goodbye to all those visiting UCSD friends.

Goodbye doesn't make sense. Badbye. Sadbye.

I jetted over to church after breakfast with Vinny, Ames and Josh. I was looking for something. Maybe to share my sadness and my goodbyes, and I was just a mess. Have you ever sat in a room with a whole bunch of folks and felt like you're on Mars while everyone else is on Earth but you're right there physically with them? I felt that way: in my own world. Floating. Desperate. I shared a bit with Albert and Kristin, but it was just hard. I was said it a couple times: I just want something to work out. If I say that, I'm just grinding and clinging to that hope. The hope that's all I have and clinging on because that's all I've got. I can't wait to spend sometime with Albert to talk. With Avery to talk too.

Once more: Goodbye Julie Chen. Miss you sistah. For Real.