skull2skull

This week's been a trip. I've felt the circle of cycle of life swirling around me: Julie's sudden death, my own struggles with loneliness again, going to a wedding, and living here with this family. There's deep sadness in my heart for my friend, and it's challenged and reawakened my heart in a weird way. Here is a letter I wrote to some folks in my community about how things have been going for me.

hey cell,

hope things are well. i wanted to share some of my thoughts lately if that's ok.

i've felt pretty disconnected for a while. traveling has been great. seeing friends on my trip has been food for my soul. still, i feel that i had such an urgency to get away from any scent of disappointment/loneliness/depression/sadness that i shut down part of my heart. so my travels were good, but i struggled to really process anything. i wanted to think about this past year, this trip to chi/atl/san, but it never worked. i'd sit. and the paper and pen would sit there with me.

i had a bit of a meltdown on monday. i felt some of the same sadness creeping up on me late that night. and i was afraid. it's the same fear that makes me hold onto moving away to some where far from here. i'm afraid that i'll be fine through summer, but fall and winter will be times of darkness again for me. i prayed that night, that prayer of overwhelming need. the same way i'd pray myself to sleep during those lonely nights. it scared me to discover that my longings still remain here. yet, i'd finally come back into god's presence. god seems to use my struggles to bring me to him.

(some of yall know already...) i found out on tuesday that a friend of mine had died. she was my age (26), and we sent to ucsd together. she was really a beautiful gal who loved god dearly, and her friends as family. she was always on my side, reminding me to dream big because our god is really big. she had just begun life as a missionary in the philippines, something she longed and waited to be for years.

i can't tell you how much i miss her. i've told some folks already that i've been learning a lot through this. i haven't tasted death before, and this seems to make salvation more real, more pressing, and more beautiful.

i'm doing alright. i'm not a wreck (thank god), but i feel like my heart has awakened again. i still am fearful of being lonely (or those feelings), i still don't feel supergreat about any 'decision' of staying or leaving. it feels less relevant. in the greater picture, god can't fail me.

i'm sharing all this, because i've been thinking more about carlos' teaching on sunday. that statement that: we belong to each other. i've been asking myself what that means for me in relation to you, and for you to me. i feel that thinking this way extends beyond our church/cell family... i'm not sure exactly how, but it helps me to see folks better: heart to heart, skull to skull.

thanks for listening. emmanuel!

-ben

Back in the Town

So I'm back in Oakland now. It's good to finally be back in California
(semi - permanently). At least in body and soon somewhere both in body and spirit. I've actually struggled a bit with really writing and thinking through this trip (and after it to). It seems like some sort of writing or thinking block. I think it may be some sort of space issue too. I'd like to find a good quiet place.

It's been really freeing to pick up and travel; to visit friends and
have them host me for this past month. I liked seeing how my friends live now. Things are different: a couple years wiser, a couple hurts weaker, a couple disappointments stronger, learning to trust God again, some learning to pay their own bills, some folks are learning how to live for God in every aspect of their lives, some folks are coming from the other end: wondering what to do with much that they now have. There are a lot of things to consider. I’m proud of many of my friends. Especially those who continue to trust God with their lives regardless of what has come their way. I really enjoy those folks who are honest with their lives: in relation to God, other people, their work, and their time. It’s hard to do: I know that I’ve struggled with this so much and I’m not all that proud of myself.

One lesson that was really good came at Summer Camp in Atlanta. Donna was speaking to the camp about love, and more importantly, God’s love for us. She began her talk by asking the campers about “love.” They answered some crazy stuff with references to Usher, being with a girl, etc. A lot of it was to get some attention, but a lot of it was really true to life. Donna then took the time to unpack all of this so – called love. And in doing that, it became clear that the love that I associate with is most often conditional. If you do something for me, I’ll love you. If I “love” you, I expect something back. If/Then. God’s love though is unconditional. She told us all that God loves us unconditionally. We don’t need to do anything to get his love. He expects nothing back from his love. He is delighted for our response yet he puts no conditions on his love.

Donna asked a bunch of questions: Does God love you if you don’t listen to your parents? Does God love you if you lie? Do you have to go to church for God to love you? Whoa, that one floored me. It was all no: He loves unconditionally. My heart drops a foot when I think about it: My God loves me. I don’t need to do all of this stuff for him to love me. He just loves me. It isn’t anything that I do. Our God’s love transcends careers, life work, and good intentions. To love God is to obey him, yet he still loves us regardless of our obedience. It’s really deep to me.

Maybe this was my answer to the verse I was flustered with before I left on my trip: (from ephesians 3:17) And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to measure of all fullness of God.

Albert was telling me the other day: that his thought and hope for me: was that I would understand that the fruits of the spirit are of me, not something to just work on and get better at. That God’s spirit IS within me, therefore, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control are all part of me. The expression of the holy spirit comes from my life, and is expressed through living within the thought that these traits are of me, through the Holy Spirit.

dang

i finally got this thing to work. shoot so, some posts to come. in san diego now.